yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
