WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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