They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
