when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
