I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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