Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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