o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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