When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
