he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
