No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
