he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
