I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
