I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
