How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
