weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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