she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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