is your mom at the bar?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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