I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
