Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize