I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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