Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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