he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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