NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
