I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
