Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
