It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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