There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
