I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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