Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
