Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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