I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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