Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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