I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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