If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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