please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
