I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
