if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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