Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
