Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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