I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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