He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
