Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
