I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize