I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
