My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
