If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
