So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
