Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
