So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
