I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
