so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's never too late to be topless.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
