I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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