I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
