Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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